From The Cheap Seats: Oak Park Pigeons Get 11th Hour Reprieve

June 18, 2012
By

A last minute change of heart seems to have saved the birds from certain doom (Wiki Image)

Bird lovers and hypocrisy haters will be pleased to know that the residents of Oak Park, Illinois – yes, that Illinois – have opted out of a plan to rid themselves of pesky pigeons.

Seems the pigeons – aka rats with wings – were a bother to the trendy folks who count themselves among the best of the friends of the earth, the downtrodden and the atmosphere.

Why, they never let their staff allow their  to idle more than 10 minutes while dashing into the shopping district for restock the foie gras.

Those pigeons were a bother, though. Enough that the Oak Park types wanted to rid themselves of the flying disease bombs.

But how to do it, they wondered, as have murderers for eons. Gas, they decided, would do the job. Most sane types would simply break out the shotguns and be done with the things, but not our precious residents of Oak Park. No, it had to be gas. And not just any gas. Carbon dioxide was the chosen weapon.

Good old CO2. Destroyer of the climate, a “pollutant” close to being banned by the EPA. But Oak Parkers could learn to love CO2 if it would rid them of the nasty, evil, crapping avian proletariat.

The plans were set. Who knows, maybe they even working on codes, nothing as coarse as “The eagle flies at dawn.” Perhaps something like “The pidges punch out on the nonce.”

Saner voices, we’re happy to say, prevailed.

The Oak Parkers realized the extent of the dastardly deed they were contemplating and opted not to gas the pidgees. Perhaps they have concluded that the pigeons could be a tourist attraction. “Come feed the pigeons in Oak Park and be crapped on with what happens to arugula in a bird!”

Perhaps not.

We are hoping that they haven’t learned that a couple eradication specialists live nearby. No word on whether Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn might have offered their special talents to their fellow lovers of the earth there in Oak Park.

Perhaps Ayers and Dohrn are now working on a little something special for their pals and their pigeons. Maybe something explosive.  But that’s all speculation.

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